Iowa State Football Bashing Thread

B19Rob

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The recent discussion of this book reminded me of the fanfiction I wrote a couple years ago.
The game was on Wednesday, Dec. 29. On the morning of Dec. 28, my wife Paige drove me from her parents' house in Fort Collins, Colorado to the Denver International Airport to fly out. I thanked her again for being an incredibly supportive wife, and the conversation even turned to possible road trips during the next football season. She dropped me off, and I made my way through security and to my gate without a hitch. The flight was on time.

I was flying Southwest Airlines, meaning our seats were not assigned. As I was putting my carry-on suitcase into the overhead compartment, someone saw my Iowa State pullover and said "Go Cyclones!"

"Yeah, go Cyclones!" I responded.

She offered me the seat right next to her, which was open, and we struck up a conversation. Her name was Amy, and she was traveling with her son, Jack, to Orlando to watch the game. They were meeting her father, who was traveling from Iowa. Amy told me she was an Iowa State graduate who now lived in Denver but still followed the team. I told her about my project of attending every game, which kicked off multiple conversations about the team, Big 12 stadiums, trends in college football and much more. The conversation in and of itself was worth the cost of the trip.

We landed, said our goodbyes and I ordered a ride to my hotel, where I checked in and changed into shorts. When I had left Fort Collins in the morning, the weather was cold enough to wear a winter coat, stocking hat and gloves. I knew the forecast in Iowa a few days later called for multiple inches of snow and frigid below zero temperatures. Orlando was experiencing highs in the 80s. I figured I had better enjoy it while it lasted.

I headed to a different hotel to meet up with a friend. He had flown on the official travel charter through the university and Iowa State Alumni Association, and was staying at the same hotel as the Iowa State team. I met up with him in the hotel bar, which was already heavily populated by Cyclone fans.

After a drink, we went our separate ways. I walked to the convention center nearby where a Cyclones Unplugged event was taking place. I had missed the official Cheez-It Bowl pep rally due to the timing of my flight, but this served as its own pep rally of sorts. The Cyclone Marching Band played the fight song and a number of other songs. Iowa State radio announcer John Walters emceed a brief program. Coach Matt Campbell said a few words. He let the crowd know that come game time, the team was going to make us proud to be Cyclone fans. (Spoiler alert: Despite the final score, they did make us proud.) Then, ISU Alumni Association President Jeff Johnson led the crowd in a few cheers, as is his custom. The thousands in attendance obliged.

I had been to a number of these types of events through the years, and they always get me in the Cyclone spirit. This one was no different. I finally felt like it was all real. There was going to be a bowl game and I was going to go to it.

The crowd began to disperse, and I figured I would head back to my hotel. As I was getting ready to walk out, I recognized Barry, the head of the Dallas-Fort Worth Cyclone Club, walking in. I had met Barry at a few games throughout the season while tailgating with the DFW club.

I walked up to him and said hello. After talking for a minute, I asked, "Do you want a drink?"

He took me up on the offer. He was there with a few others who had traveled to the game, who were already in line for the bar. I recognized most of them from prior tailgates.

After a little while, they decided to go back to the bar at the team hotel, and kindly invited me to join them. We happened to walk into the lobby around the same time as a number of the players were walking through.

"I always forget how big they are," I said to one of my new friends.

We took seats in the open bar area. A little while later, I heard people at the bar begin to clap. I turned around to see Campbell walking through the lobby. He gave us a little wave as he continued on his way to the elevator. If he had stopped to talk, I have no doubt a few fans would have offered him a drink.

I am grateful I ran into Barry and friends, because part of the fun of going to a bowl game is hanging out with other fans and reveling in the shared community.

Around 10 p.m., the friend I had met up with prior was back, and I joined him in a patio area outside to enjoy fire pits and watch some other Big 12 games for awhile. Finally around 11:30 I headed back to my hotel, satisfied with the bowl experience so far.
In the lobby of the hotel, I ran into Amy who I sat next to on the airplane. She was sitting alone at the bar, and had clearly been over-served. One strap of her dress was hanging down over her shoulder, exposing one nude-colored bra strap. I casually straightened it for her and said hello. Her eyes locked onto mine, and she grabbed my wrist and said "Come with me."

I followed, a little confused and a little excited. She pulled me towards the elevators, and one opened as soon as her finger found the call button. We couldn't get in the elevator fast enough. Our lips locked before the doors had even closed. She was the most passionate kisser I had ever encountered. Her lips somehow wrapped around mine, and embraced mine, and even controlled my lips in a way I didn't know was possible. I was instantly erect, all four inches of me tenting my cargo shorts towards her dress. She somehow sensed my arousal, and reached her greedy hand down the front of my shorts. Her touch was as electric as her kiss; the two of them together was lightning. I don't remember the elevator stopping or us stumbling over ourselves on the way to my room, it's as if the substance of time was altered by our actions.

Once inside, I removed and folded my five-star culture t-shirt and shorts while she excused herself to the bathroom to freshen up. I left my matching Cy boxers and knee high socks on because I thought she'd think that was cute. I know she'd appreciate them more than Paige did. I hadn't planned on cheating, but she doesn't know how to be exciting or spontaneous anymore. And a blowjob once a decade would be nice.

I spent the next five minutes laying under the covers, fondling myself to keep my erection. Doubt has begun the emerge, making the task more difficult. I decided to knock on the bathroom door. When I received no reply, I bravely tried the door, finding it unlocked. The smell hit me immediately. Amy had passed out, butt-naked, sitting upright on the toilet. The foulest brown demon slime imaginable was visible between her pale thighs and coated almost the entire inside of the porcelain bowl. The contrast of brown on white was striking; I will never forget it. I tried to wake her, but all she said was that she needed to get back to her room.

I tried to clean her and dress her, but it proved to be difficult as she was nearly twice my size. After about 15 minutes of sweat-inducing effort and clever use of the ironing board, the task was complete. Luckily, her room was on the same floor as mine. I helped her stumble back to her room, and even used her keycard to unlock her door for her, as she lacked the coordination for this simple task. As soon as we entered the room, a confused older gentleman yelled at me, "Who are you and what have you done to my daughter?"

Flabbergasted, I tried to explain what had happened, but I was having trouble because her young son, Jack, was crying from the shock of the situation. I turned on the light, and I noticed him notice my vintage Cyclone ballcap. I could tell by the look on his face he instantly knew I was just a good samaritan trying to do the right thing. He hugged me and said "Go Clones!" And quietly closed the door behind me as I left.
 
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Chris and I dissected the game in every angle we could think of. And we kept coming to the same conclusion: Iowa State was clearly the better team than Iowa, and the future of Iowa State’s program was brighter than Iowa’s in 2022 and beyond.

It felt like Iowa State could take over state supremacy for the long haul.
 

hawkeyealum

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I feel like we aren’t doing him justice without leaving him Amazon reviews
 

newsbreaker

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Go ahead and leave a review. Let people know you read the book. Great idea. When we start rounding up the idiots, put yourself on the list.
 

hawkeyealum

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I’d like to leave a review highlighting my favorite parts of the book, except they will be the halo portions.
 

Hawkmi

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We had a few extra tickets for the game, so I had invited my friend Joe to join. Joe is an Iowa State graduate who got a little more into football while watching a few games with Chris and me during the 2020 season. He was eager to go to a game with us and see us in our element. Chris, Joe and I headed up a little closer to game time than normal due to some family obligations but got there in time to enjoy an abbreviated tailgate. We met up with others in our group. Also joining us was my friend Charles’ wife, a Texas fan. We gave her a few good-natured “horns down” hand gestures.
 

snips

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Kyle's insightful writing brings each game to life
this is fucking retarded to say.
multiple situations where he describes in great detail about eating sandwiches with his dad (complimentary AND from pocket) doesn't bring jack shit to life
 

ivan_drago

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Crazy Kyle is not this Kyle. This Kyle is not crazy enough to be called crazy Kyle.
 

BngHawk

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We had a few extra tickets for the game, so I had invited my friend Joe to join. Joe is an Iowa State graduate who got a little more into football while watching a few games with Chris and me during the 2020 season. He was eager to go to a game with us and see us in our element. Chris, Joe and I headed up a little closer to game time than normal due to some family obligations but got there in time to enjoy an abbreviated tailgate. We met up with others in our group. Also joining us was my friend Charles’ wife, a Texas fan. We gave her a few good-natured “horns down” hand gestures.
 

Hawkmi

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"In and Out Again. A Journey to My Proctologist" By Kyle Oppenhuizen
 

thrawn

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Whatever the opposite of a humble brag is, I assure you that that is is
 

cloudhawk

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this is fucking retarded to say.
multiple situations where he describes in great detail about eating sandwiches with his dad (complimentary AND from pocket) doesn't bring jack shit to life
You seem to be kinda insinuating that the Juicy Wiggle, and the Trice fan experience like picnic tables for family meals, and port-a-potty beers arent awesome
 

Alan Lomax

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I am crying this tickles me just right. Get that book loaded into ChatGPT stat!
 

Nigeria

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I am crying this tickles me just right. Get that book loaded into ChatGPT stat!
The CheezIt Bowl story continued via ChatGPT:


The morning of the game day arrived with a mix of nerves and excitement coursing through me. I woke up early, eager to soak in every moment of the highly anticipated Cheez-It Bowl. However, as I stepped out of my hotel room, I was greeted by an unexpected sight that left me feeling utterly mortified.

In my haste to get ready, I had neglected to properly zip up my pants, and as I walked through the hotel lobby, I realized with horror that my fly was wide open for all to see. Mortification washed over me as I hastily zipped up, cheeks burning with embarrassment. It was a moment I wished I could forget, but alas, the memory lingered like a dark cloud over what was supposed to be a day filled with excitement and camaraderie.

Determined to put the embarrassing incident behind me, I made my way to the convention center for the pre-game festivities. However, my hopes of a smooth and triumphant game day were soon dashed once again as I received news that sent shockwaves through the Cyclone community.

A sudden outbreak of illness had swept through the Iowa State team, leaving several key players sidelined for the game, including star quarterback Brock Purdy and standout wide receiver Xavier Hutchinson. The news spread like wildfire, casting a pall of uncertainty over the impending matchup.

As I watched the pre-game events unfold, the atmosphere was tinged with apprehension. Fans whispered anxiously among themselves, their excitement tempered by the sobering reality of the team's diminished lineup. Coach Campbell's words, though still delivered with conviction, rang hollow in the face of adversity.

But the twists of fate weren't finished with us yet. As the game kicked off, it quickly became apparent that the Iowa State team was struggling to find their footing without their star players. The opposing team seized the opportunity, dominating the field with relentless aggression and precision.

With each passing minute, the scoreboard painted a grim picture of our team's dwindling chances of victory. The once boisterous crowd fell silent, the air heavy with disappointment and resignation. It was a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that the outcome of the game had been irrevocably altered by circumstances beyond our control.

As the final whistle blew and the opposing team celebrated their hard-fought victory, I couldn't help but feel a sense of profound disappointment. The Cheez-It Bowl, which had promised to be a thrilling culmination of the season, had ended in bitter defeat.

But amidst the despair, there was a glimmer of hope. Despite the setbacks and the obstacles they faced, the Iowa State team had fought with courage and determination until the very end. And as I made my way back to my hotel room, I resolved to stand by them through thick and thin, knowing that true fandom meant supporting your team even in the face of adversity.
 

snips

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CHAT GPT gets it!
immediately has him wandering around with fly unzipped
 

Wanderer

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Wasn’t Clemson playing with like 30 total players in this game? And Purdy obviously played cuz it was the site of this.

 

Verbal

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Most story-tellers omit the mundanities of the protagonist’s life, like going to the bathroom or parking the car. Kyle’s book seems to be mostly that stuff.
 

snips

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Kyle's NEXT book better have a lot more hot sex action, less sandwich descriptions
 

winmac

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This is where it all could have been nipped in the bud. Fellow band geek friend Nancy could have pulled Opie aside, slapped him in the face and told him not to write the book.

“Hey Opie, I have a question for you.”

My friend Nancy, who was sitting in front of me with her husband Eric, had just turned around to start a conversation as we sat in our seats at Jack Trice Stadium. I have known them both since college marching band and have tailgated with and sat next to them at games for years (and yes, Opie was a college nickname). They are two of the nicest people I know. In this case, I knew what Nancy was about to ask.
.....

I knew what question Nancy, who knew I was writing a book, was about to ask. It would have been something like “What are you going to do if UNI wins?” or maybe “Are you still going to write a book if UNI wins?” (That answer would have been yes.)

She was about to ask the question I had been trying not to think about since the first quarter began and it became obvious the Cyclones weren’t going to run away with a 30-point win. What the heck am I going to say if we lose? I had spent eight months telling everyone I was writing a book about this season, and the special feeling could be gone after one game. My anxiety level had been elevated the entire game. The vibes of seeing the stadium packed at kickoff, the feeling of euphoria after being in the stadium for the first time since November of 2019, had long since turned into feelings of restlessness and worry among the sellout crowd of 61,500 packed inside Jack Trice Stadium.

What if we lose? I didn’t have an answer.

“Nancy,” I replied. “I just can’t right now.”


She understood.
 

PoopyFaceTomatoNose

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We had a few extra tickets for the game, so I had invited my friend Joe to join. Joe is an Iowa State graduate who got a little more into football while watching a few games with Chris and me during the 2020 season. He was eager to go to a game with us and see us in our element. Chris, Joe and I headed up a little closer to game time than normal due to some family obligations but got there in time to enjoy an abbreviated tailgate. We met up with others in our group. Also joining us was my friend Charles’ wife, a Texas fan. We gave her a few good-natured “horns down” hand gestures.
No fucking way that’s an actual excerpt from a book that actually got published, right?
 

hawkeyealum

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It’s number 4,659,723 on Amazon’s book list.
 

Fair and Balanced

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Once Kyle knocks up a chick he’s going to spend the following 30 years posting pics of meats he’s heated outdoors.

“Everyone RAVED about the chops! Got ‘em on sale at Fareway”.
 

Alan Lomax

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Once Kyle knocks up a chick he’s going to spend the following 30 years posting pics of meats he’s heated outdoors.

“Everyone RAVED about the chops! Got ‘em on sale at Fareway”.
It’s cute you think he could write a story that concise.
 

Harlan

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Once Kyle knocks up a chick he’s going to spend the following 30 years posting pics of meats he’s heated outdoors.

“Everyone RAVED about the chops! “Where did you get them?” several people asked. I replied, “Got ‘em on sale at Fareway””.
 

snips

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even when you try to make fun of him - your writing is much much better
it's uncanny
 

Alan Lomax

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even when you try to make fun of him - your writing is much much better
it's uncanny
It’s probably the worst writing I’ve read this much of. And it’s from a big iowa state fan, who someone here knows. He’s a worse writer than rolo. It’s wild.
 
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